"The purpose of this press conference is to explain some recent political developments. As you may be aware, there has recently been a surge in the number of Holocaust denial websites and commentary on the internet. I refer you to our recent survey, which was conducted between July 2013 and February 2014. Note that of those surveyed who were aware of the claim - sorry, the fact - of the Holocaust, 32 percent believe it is either a myth or has been greatly exaggerated. That proportion was particularly high, at 63 percent, for the Middle East and North America ("MENA"), of whom 11 percent believe it to be a myth."
Source: ADL Global 100 survey [p. 41]
"Now of course, this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact - sorry, the allegation - that the Holocaust is a hoax, and the fact that we can no longer control the flow of information as we used to in the pre-internet age. That's simply a vile, ugly, anti-Semitic conspiracy theory. What's actually been happening is that there's been a sudden surge in anti-Semitism - for absolutely no reason at all. After all, there's absolutely no reason for you people not to like us Jews in the first place. So isn't it logical that, when more and more people are becoming anti-Semites, it's for absolutely no reason at all?"
"And of course, it's not because of Israel's actions in Gaza, Lebanon, Mexico, New Zealand, or anywhere else. It's not because we boarded a ship in international waters that was part of a humanitarian aid flotilla and attacked and killed nine unarmed Turkish aid volunteers in May 2010 (and injured many more, one of those going on to die after four years in a coma from being shot in the head). It's not because we ran over and killed Rachel Corrie with a bulldozer in March 2003, when she was wearing an orange fluorescent jacket with reflective strips and was clearly visible to the bulldozer driver and the soldiers in the tank. It's not because we shelled a Gaza beach in June 2006 wiping out most of ten-year-old Huda Ghalia's family and horrifically maiming others, and then had the gall to pretend they'd done it themselves or faked it. It's not because we shot Iman al-Hams, a 13-year-old Palestinian girl who looked as if she was 'scared to death', then, as she was lying helpless with a leg wound, 'confirmed the kill' by emptying at least ten bullets into her head and body, and then boasted that it would have made no difference if she was a 3-year-old (October 2004). It's not because we targeted civilians with white phosphorus, e.g., Gaza, 2009. Or because we fired more than a million cluster bomblets in Lebanon in 2006. It's not because we killed dozens of Syrian peach pickers in an air raid in August 2006 and then made up some bull about a couple of farm buildings being used to store weapons. It's not because we had a couple of accidents where, by sheer coincidence, we fired at the very center of the red cross on the roof of not one, but two Red Cross ambulances in July 2006. It's not because we fired directly upon a UN observers post in Lebanon in July 2006, killing four UN personnel, after repeatedly promising that the position would be spared from fire. That was an accident too, I swear on a stack of Talmuds and Torahs. It's not because we launched an unprovoked, sustained attack against the USS Liberty in international waters, killing 34 Americans and injuring a further 171 in June 1967, even shooting at the life rafts as they were trying to save the wounded. That was an accident, too, and the fact that there is overwhelming evidence to the contrary is purely coincidental. It's not because we killed an Iranian general in a January 2015 airstrike; that was an accident, too. It's not because our operatives Salvador Guersson Smecke and Saur Ben Zvi were caught and arrested inside the Mexican Congress chamber in possession of guns, grenades, dynamite, detonators and wiring while posing as 'press photographers' on October 10, 2001, three days after the October 7, 2001 launch of the war in Afghanistan, after a large-scale 37-nation poll of world opinion carried out by Gallup International had found a 94% majority of Mexicans were opposed to military intervention in Afghanistan. It's not because our agents were caught trying to steal a paraplegic's passport in New Zealand in March 2004. It's not because, long after our agent Jonathan Pollard was arrested, convicted and jailed for life in 1987 for spying and supplying Israel with US top-secret military information, which is believed to have been traded to the Soviets in exchange for allowing crooked Russian Jews to flee to Israel, we stole US secrets and played them back to US legislators to undermine US diplomacy. It's not because our activists in the Diaspora phony up hate crimes against themselves, such as vandalising their own cars (2004) or graves (2004), or poisoning their dogs and defacing their houses (2005/2006) or their dorm door at university with swastikas (2007), or cutting their clothes and drawing swastikas on their stomachs and blaming it on Africans (2004) and so on, and the idea that the faked hate crimes were done to promote the allegation - sorry, the fact - of anti-Semitism is simply another anti-Semitic conspiracy theory."
"But enough of that. Like I said, we Jews have always been persecuted by mean, nasty anti-Semites who simply hate us for absolutely no reason at all. It's simply one giant coincidence - yeah, that's what it is, a coincidence, that as some people have complained of our treatment of the Palestinians, the Lebanese, UN observers, Syrian peach pickers, the Mexican congress, a paraplegic in New Zealand, the American public, Turkish peace activists, etc., there has been this surge in Holocaust denial. You see, all of the complaints were because of anti-Semitism, and the Holocaust denial is because of anti-Semitism, so the anti-Semitism is the common factor in all this. This anti-Semitism exists in the first place for absolutely no reason at all, and it has simply rocketed for absolutely no reason at all. Surely that follows? After all, we at the ADL always tell you the truth. Would we lie to you? You must also consider that we live in a world where mysterious things often happen, such as self-burning bodies, or cyanide gas that forms blue staining on the walls when it's being used to kill lice, but bizarrely refuses to leave a trace when it's used to kill Jews. Or three steel-framed skyscrapers dozens of stories tall, that collapse into their footprints from office fires after two of them are hit by a plane, leaving partly evaporated steel members with a Swiss cheese appearance, and underground fires that continue to burn at very high temperatures for more than three months."
"Now, we have the question of why all these anti-Semites would choose to deny the Holocaust and go to all the trouble of citing a mountain of evidence that proves - I mean, purports to prove - the Holocaust is a hoax, rather than boast of how Hitler managed to kill so many Jews, or exaggerate the figures and say it was twelve million, not six million, or paint swastikas on our doors, or make jokes such as how nothing says love like a Jew in the oven. You see, what's happened recently is that there has been a conspiracy to get at Jews, by denying the Holocaust. Now I admit that, on the face of it, there is no reason why all these extra anti-Semites would choose to deny the Holocaust rather than exaggerate the numbers, laugh about it, and mock us for all the suffering that we've endured. And that's because it's all an anti-Semitic plot."
"It's an anti-Semitic conspiracy to deny the Holocaust that was carried out in an incredible meeting of minds. There has been no written orders, no evidence from communications intercepted by the intelligence agencies, no central plan, no blueprint, no budget to coordinate the plot. Wait, I don't mean the Holocaust, although Hilberg admitted that was the case with the Holocaust. No, all the anti-Semites have coordinated their venom in an incredible meeting of minds and consensus mind-reading, a far-flung adhocracy. And because of this invisible conspiracy by this horde of anti-Semites, we need to prop up the myth - sorry, defend the truth - by jailing and fining those who criticize it. So the laws against holocaust denial should be extended to include Canada, the US, the whole of Europe, and preferably everywhere else as well. Now, are there any questions?"
"But Mr. Foxman, surely you do not believe your own rhetoric. After all, it's horse manure, isn't it?"
"You're a dirty anti-Semite. Reported, and blocked from any further briefings. Next?"